Grief

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I found the above quote on Facebook, which made me think about grief. In 2013 I lost my dad to cancer and only seven months later my best friend died suddenly and totally unexpected of a heart attack. When my dad died I didn’t really grief. There was so much to do and sort out and in the back of my mind I always thought that he wouldn’t want me to break down.My dad died in June and in September the big breakdown followed. I had lost my favourite pen, my dad always used for crosswords which I took as a memory and I couldn’t find it anywhere. It was like loosing my dad all over again. I was crying, I was angry and I called in sick as it felt like I was going out of my mind. My grief was delayed.

When my friend died it pulled the rug from under my feet. When people say that time heals all wounds, I say they are lying. Loosing my best friend feels like part of me got buried as well. I miss him every day. And no time has not healed the wound, at least not on the inside. I guess as life carries on you adapt and learn how to live without that beloved person, but the wound inside has not healed. I suffer terribly from pain from adhesions from previous operations. The wound on the top is just a scar but underneath it still causes me pain.

I read many books about grief and they say you go through stages. That is true to some extend. For me it was sadness and then came anger. Questions like: Why did you die? Why did you leave me to deal with this? Or anger with other people as they were laughing, anger with the world for not stopping, just carrying on as if nothing happened. Here comes the difficult part. I was there when my dad died, as cancer killed him slowly and my friend was in an induced coma before they switched the machines off. Witnessing the two most important people in my life go forever has changed me as a person in ways I can’t even comprehend fully myself. This blog is for everybody that has lost somebody dear to them. I am thinking of you. Big hug xxx

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