On Thursday I went on a road trip with a friend to Glastonbury. I had an appointment in the morning because I wanted to try some alternative methods to help with my pain. At about lunchtime I walked into town to meet her. When I arrived I saw that her friend was with her. I could see that they had a very close bond and that they enjoyed each others company and felt really comfortable to joke around and have a laugh. For some reason I felt like a fish wheel. It made me somehow feel uncomfortable. This could be for one that I am in a really bad frame of mind and the pain is not controllable and I am desperately am seeking help and am willing to try anything to make it stop. The other thing that made me uncomfortable was was that I was in really no joking mood. I started to make me think back to the times when I had a really strong friendship group with two other girls and we had may laughs, but this is now 20 years ago. And I wish these times back.

They obviously had much in common and had lots to talk about but I felt that I was bringing their mood down. Lately I prefer spending time by myself. Mainly sleeping or sitting around. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this hole and I know I have been pushing friends away because I don’t even answer the phone anymore because even talking seems so much effort. This brings me to the other point.

The alternative therapist I saw that morning accused me of speaking too fast and making her feel anxious. Now people that know me well know I don’t speak fast and that I am the least threatening person you will meet. I can’t even scare children 😉 That on top of what I have just told you send me even further down the spiral. i went to that lady because I am desperate for help and she does something like that. I send her a text message saying that I don’t want to stick with my next appointments, and her reply was that I am pushing her and her help away. AM I? I know I have been pushing friends away because I don’t want them to see me like this. I am pushing her away because I find her useless, disorganised, expensive and not trustworthy. I think there is a difference? What do you think?