A low phase

I have hit a really low phase. I am reluctant to call it depression, as I know why I am low, well at least I think I do. People say ‘pain changes you’ I can tell you it does. Nobody that has ever been in constant pain, I mean physical pain in my case, does actually know what it feels like. I have been in physical pain since the beginning of February. I don’t mean a little twitch of pain either, I am talking about oral morphine worthy pain. I spend 7 days in total in hospital and am waiting for surgery at the moment. To deal with the pain I was given a wide array of pain killers, ranging from paracetamol to oral morphine and then some in between. I am writing this here because I feel nobody gets me at the moment and I feel certain people are pushing me on purpose to see when I actually break. Truth is, I feel already broken. I have no motivation for anything. Absolutely everything is a huge effort for me. And yet whilst I feel like sleeping all day when it comes to the night time I am wide awake. My body starts twitching and I just can’t settle, so it’s a viscous circle. I force myself to stay awake during the day but it doesn’t work. I know that physical exhaustion would help, but I am in too much pain to do exercise.

Lately I just want to be left alone. There are only very few people I can tolerate and that don’t annoy me (Georgina you are one of them ;-)). So my boss tends to push all the wrong buttons. She is like a little happy dog who is constantly biting my ankles and I have lost my cool with her. I have been called for a meeting in London to discuss this and guess what… I feel too exhausted to go. I wished my operation would come up soon. My boss is leaving the end of April and I can’t wait. Today I heard that she has been discussing me with a third party who low and behold rang me to tell me off. This so called friend said: For god’s sake pull yourself together. I think there is something wrong with your bloody hormones. this god damn operation can’t come soon enough. You are really not yourself!

Wow that stopped me in my tracks. Have I really been that unbearable? But trust me the last thing you want to hear when you are dealing with pain at such a level is that you have ‘hormone troubles’. This made me think about how I have changed. Well yes I have but then again is that a surprise? Of course I am not the person I am when I am well. I am still ill. Painkillers don’t cure you. I am trying to manage the best I can in the given circumstances, but today I feel like seeing my GP and asking to be signed off until the operation. Unfortunately I don’t get paid when I am ill so I just have to cry and bare it ;-(

3 thoughts on “A low phase

  1. I love the the fact that you are not scared to express yourself not everyone can be so honest about how they feel or what they go through. I’m sorry for your pain but you are not alone. I don’t know what you’re going through or the pain you’re feeling but I’m here if you need someone to talk too or vent or simply just listen. It’s been a pleasure meeting you, thank you for helping me on my journey to blogging! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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