I have hit a really low phase. I am reluctant to call it depression, as I know why I am low, well at least I think I do. People say ‘pain changes you’ I can tell you it does. Nobody that has ever been in constant pain, I mean physical pain in my case, does actually know what it feels like. I have been in physical pain since the beginning of February. I don’t mean a little twitch of pain either, I am talking about oral morphine worthy pain. I spend 7 days in total in hospital and am waiting for surgery at the moment. To deal with the pain I was given a wide array of pain killers, ranging from paracetamol to oral morphine and then some in between. I am writing this here because I feel nobody gets me at the moment and I feel certain people are pushing me on purpose to see when I actually break. Truth is, I feel already broken. I have no motivation for anything. Absolutely everything is a huge effort for me. And yet whilst I feel like sleeping all day when it comes to the night time I am wide awake. My body starts twitching and I just can’t settle, so it’s a viscous circle. I force myself to stay awake during the day but it doesn’t work. I know that physical exhaustion would help, but I am in too much pain to do exercise.
Lately I just want to be left alone. There are only very few people I can tolerate and that don’t annoy me (Georgina you are one of them ;-)). So my boss tends to push all the wrong buttons. She is like a little happy dog who is constantly biting my ankles and I have lost my cool with her. I have been called for a meeting in London to discuss this and guess what… I feel too exhausted to go. I wished my operation would come up soon. My boss is leaving the end of April and I can’t wait. Today I heard that she has been discussing me with a third party who low and behold rang me to tell me off. This so called friend said: For god’s sake pull yourself together. I think there is something wrong with your bloody hormones. this god damn operation can’t come soon enough. You are really not yourself!
Wow that stopped me in my tracks. Have I really been that unbearable? But trust me the last thing you want to hear when you are dealing with pain at such a level is that you have ‘hormone troubles’. This made me think about how I have changed. Well yes I have but then again is that a surprise? Of course I am not the person I am when I am well. I am still ill. Painkillers don’t cure you. I am trying to manage the best I can in the given circumstances, but today I feel like seeing my GP and asking to be signed off until the operation. Unfortunately I don’t get paid when I am ill so I just have to cry and bare it ;-(