The Shack

With the movie coming out soon I thought I’d better read this. This book has been on my shelf for many years and I have always put of reading it, as I thought it had very strong religious overtones, but I was pleasantly surprised. This is one of the books I will keep and read again. So far only ‘The Alchemist’ has made it that far up the list, well and everything by Murakami of course 😉

The book was deeply touching and at the Sam time thought provoking. It does not push religion in your face and forces a ‘Christian’ agenda. It made me reflect on my relationships with people and the love I have for them and indeed for myself. It does explain the ‘Holy Trinity’ in a very understandable way, but not like you might be used to from Sunday school. The book is trying to say that you don’t need to visit the ‘institution’ church every week or follow rules and so on. It simply talk about love and the concept that we are all energy and we all give of energy. Every breath we take sends out a vibe into the universe. This is a principle many beliefs follow. It is a quite intense read as the book is trying to explain some quite complex ideas and concepts. I really enjoyed reading it and it was the first book in ages that made me feel something. In fact it made me feel a whole range of emotions. I highly recommend it, but you need to be open for it. If you are already a critic of spiritual books than maybe this is not for you. X

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Creative Pregnancy


As I now am totally never ever going to have children I thought I give myself nine months to finally produce that novel I have been talking about for years. I have been reading a lot about hysterectomies lately and there are some people that belief that a woman’s creativity lies in her nether regions and having your womb removed also removes the centre of your productive creativity. Well…I have decided to proof them wrong. After having a very vivid dream during the night, I woke up this morning and decided that this dream is going to be the main plot of my novel. It is going to be a murder mystery. Although I always thought I will one days rite a deep and meaningful love story or self-help book, this one will be a murder mystery. Having read and listen to a lot of books in that genre lately I felt closely drawn to that. 

I have given myself nine months for this. Just like a pregnancy the result will be revealed then. I am quite excited and I have started working on it today straight away. I can finally feel that fire burning inside me again and my passion and imagination are awake. I have been waiting for this ‘a-ha’ moment in years and there is is. Watch this space. I will of course keep you updated along the way. I can already see myself giving radio interviews about it 😉 Thank you for following me xxx

Sit, Eat, Sleep

Since the operation my world has shrunk to the size of my living room. I am sleeping on the sofabed as well, as the bathroom is downstairs and I need to pee every hour at the moment for some reason. Anyway I try and watch a film every day. Two days ago I watched: Eat, Love Pray. This gave me an inspiration for my book title: Sit, Eat, Sleep: Great wisdoms from the sofabed 😉

I couldn’t sleep two nights ago so I was browsing Facebook. I follow quite a few German newspapers like:Die Welt or Der Spiegel. There was an article about a McDonalds in Aaachen that is going to be moved to a different site and the posters telling customers this were in German and Turkish, only that the Turkish one was leading to a Mc Donalds out of town and the other one to a McDonalds about 5 minutes away. This of course sparked the rasicim debate. Reading the comments I came across a Profil that, to me, stood out like a sore thumb for being well out of line. He made extremely racist comments there and his profile shows the old ‘Reichsflagge’ and a picture of an extreme right German chancellor (if you get my drift). I wondered why he wasn’t blocked before from ‘Der Spiegel’, so I thought I will report his profile to Facebook myself. The next day I get a message saying that: Although they can see that some of his postings can be seen as offensive, they think his profile does not need closing. What the hell? Am I to sensitive on this issue? I have never before reported anybody on FB. I always thought FB closely monitors everything, and he slipped through the net. Unless they don’t have German speaking staff at FB head quarters??? Well that taught me didn’t it. 

It’s only been a week and I am not allowed to lift heavy stuff at all. So yesterday I managed to do a wash, and carry it outside in like five little manageable loads and get it on the line. I felt quite proud 😉 The sun was shining for the first time in days and it felt good to do something useful. Anyway, low and behold and hour later I could smell bonfire. We live next to a building site at the moment where they are building six more houses at the back of our garden. So I went outside to check if my nose was right and yes, those arsehole builders have lit another bonfire. They seem to do this every other day. I was furious. I could blame it on the hormones or boredom anyway I shouted at the builders. I called them quite unladylike like names. It really ruined my day that they ruined my washing, because it all had to be done again. Am I like this because the world has shrunk to the size of my living room? If I was able to leave the house nad go for a walk would I have still lost it like this over some washing? Am I over reacting? 

I am signed off for six weeks and I wonder how many more people I can piss off in that time, from my living room 😉

Hysterectomy

You haven’t heard from me in a while because I had a hysterectomy a week Thursday. The day I went in I was incredibly tense and they had to give me meds to calm me down. After the surgeon talked to me what they may have to do I felt even worse. He explained that if he could save an ovary or the womb he would. he also said that he was trying to do everything labroscopicly, because if he has to cut me open it will hurt like hell, as I am obese. Thanks doc 😉 I think it will hurt even if you are skinny but never mind hey.

So into theatre I went. Dosed up with lots of anti sickness and 4 hours later I was in the awakening chamber 😉 Turns out they didn’t have to cut me fully open but they removed the womb vaginally, sorry for the detailed description. I had morphine on a pump and I was sleeping most of the time. The next day they took the pump away…meanies ;-( and they made me walk…ouch.

Anyway They let me out on Saturday, a mere 48 hours after the operation. Up until yesterday I have been sleeping a lot. Today is the first day I feel more awake. Appetite is a big issue, as I still feel sick all the time…but hey as I am obese that must be a good thing. I have surfed the net to find out what it actually means to have the womb removed that way and boy was that a mistake!!! Anyway I was in many Chatrooms or forums and read hundreds of experiences…one by a woman with the name “Hissy’.

A lot of these sides say that you feel low because you mourn your womb. Well I am 39 and as of yet the mourning hasn’t started. I would like to feel less sick so I can at least enjoy some water. Maybe all the emotional stuff will start later. I am still getting over the effects of full anesetic I guess. I will keep you posted x

Absolute Silence

I am reading a book at the moment with the title “Absolute Silence”. I am graving silence lately. Have you ever noticed that if you really feel strongly about something lacking in your life, the more it springs to your attention. It does with me. I am longing for absolute silence, and the slightest noise makes me angry. Our neighbours are constantly fighting and have five year old twins that are really testing their mothers patience at the moment. it is unbareable to listen to the constant screaming and fighting. I lost it the other day and turned on ‘Summer of 69’ at volume 80% just to show them they are getting on my nerves. i can’t sit in the garden to take a breather as we have a building site right at our back yard and the constant digging and drilling drives me crazy. I am dreaming of going to a remote location for a while just to have silence.

In the book I ma reading there is a distinct difference between silence and solitude. The author describes this well. I think they are linked. In the book it is described that silence means no TV, no music, no radio, no internet. I forgot about that. Often we fill silences with electronic entertainment. Or we wish to be alone yet we are on Facebook, Twitter and so on. I truly would like some of both. I would like to take books and a notebook to write down my experience. I would like to take undisturbed walks, were I can talk to myself, or scream, or sing without meeting somebody. I think it would be very good for me to cut myself of and just be by myself and enjoy silence and solitude. Time to read, think and meditate. My head is overfill with stuff. I need some space to clear everything and get back to whats really important. I can’t think clearly right now as everything is a blur of business and rushed choices and badly chosen replies to emails and text messages.

The author of the book also described that after a few days she wasn’t sticking to ‘rules’ anymore. Like washing every day or sleeping at night, or eating at certain times. She was able to listen to her body and reacted to the signs from within. This sounds amazing to me. She liked it so much that she now bought a remote place in the highlands of Scotland. She became a silence addict.

I just need some silence time with myself to recover from everyday noise pollution.

Embracing your inner Goddess

I guess this blog post is aimed at my female readers 😉 I bought the above pendant to remind me to embrace my inner goddess. By goddess I don’t mean some kind of celestial god or deity, I guess I mean an inner femininity. I have thought about this for a few days now. We all have a feminine and a masculine side to our personality. In the past few months I feel my masculine side has been taking over. I need to embrace my inner goddess more. By that I mean showing some vulnerability, but not being a victim. To me being feminine means: curves, warmth, lightness. I am quite curvy and I hate myself for that. I need to earn that it’s good to have curves. I think that’s the reason why I have been very edgy with peopl and situations. Bringing out your feminine side also means to be creative. Creating something. I have been blocking my creative side as my job has been so demanding. I don’t have to be a hard face bitch. It’s ok to show a soft side, but not let peopl use you. I never really had a feminine role model in my life. In my life I had two very strong male role models, so is it any wonder that my masculine side is more dominant? It’s time to embrace my inner goddess!