Last Sunday I landed in Germany in fairly good spirits. I knew I had to still take it easy as I am still not 100%, and despite my doctors advising me against flying I made the effort for my sister, as I thought it was important for her to have part of her family at her wedding.
Now it is Sunday again and I have to say this week has been the worst week I have had in years. I feel heart broken and lost and I have realised, finally, that I don’t belong with this family anymore. I should have known when my dad died that I was left alone, but this week has brought it home loud and clear to me that the bond between my mum and my sister can’t and won’t be extended to me. I feel exhausted and I am crying a lot. To top it all my nan has been taken to hospital and wasn’t at the wedding either. She is the only person I feel close to and who I mean anything to. I visited her in hospital today, before I had to leave and I was trying so hard not to cry. I have lost everybody that means something to me, to lose her would be unbearable, although I know that nobody lives forever. She gives me the feeling that I still belong somewhere.
As I am in financial difficulties at the moment, due to my illness and not being paid, and having to survive on statutory sick pay I could only afford to buy my sister a “willow tree figurine” for her wedding. I thought it was a present with meaning. The figurine is called ‘promise’ and portrays a couple that is hugging each other. I also obviously had to pay for the flight. I left today to visit my godson for a few days and got a text from my mother tonight, criticising me for only giving my sister something like that as a present. My sister was getting married for the second time, I have to say and for her first wedding I had given her a very big present, by the way. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what has happened all week.
I was basically made to feel unwelcome and in the way all week. I put myself out to get here. There are many underlying family issues which would be enough to write a book about, but to be told that my present wasn’t enough and that I was expected to give more has deeply hurt me. I could be petty and go into an all out fight with my mum about many things, but I am feeling too tired, exhausted and hurt to do that. If they don’t realise what effort I had made to actually get here for that wedding than any explanation I give will be wasted.
I feel more ill and in need of rest than I did last Sunday. I finally realised that my mum has only one daughter she cares about and that is my sister. I am sure I have contributed to this situation in some way. BUt the constant rejection over the years has finally hit home. I am not wanted. I should have seen it years ago, but always came back for more. The lack of love has left me a wreck inside and out. It took me so long to come to this realisation and I have to do some mending and healing now.