I got back from Germany on Wednesday very late and have been sitting around in a stupor since. I was booked on the national express from Heathrow to Poole, but due to the massive cues at passport control I missed it and had to wait to 20:30 at terminal 5. But to be honest I just sat there. I didn’t notice the time going by or people talking. I just sat there staring into space. Although I felt exhausted i couldn’t even doze. My mind was racing. Even when I got on the bus and the 2.5 hrs to Poole, I cold not sleep. I am exhausted but restless. Have you ever been in a state like that? When I finally got home about midnight I went straight to bed and slept for 10 hours. Thursday I didn’t do much. Just washing, unpacking and so on. I was meant to write a piece for writing club about the topic of ‘ships’, but my head was empty of ideas and yet full of other stuff.
Today was writing club. It started at 10:00. I got up at 7:30, but really thought of going back to bed and sending an email with my apologies. I hadn’t written anything and the thought of leaving the house made me recoil. I finally stepped into the shower and drove into town. I listened to the stories about ships the others had written and to be honest I am glad I went. The motivation and creativity of the others helped me to gain a little bit of focus again. The have the advantage of either being retired and able to write whenever they want, or they are working writers. When I looked around I almost felt like I don’t belong there. For some reason I have lost all motivation to carry on writing my crime novel or any story for that matter.
I have to go back to work this weekend after two months sick leave and I am very nervous and sad. I should be glad to have a job that pays the bills, but the lack of ‘get up and go’ is like a magnet pulling me down. I feel so tired all the time. I am trying to see the positives. A friend of mine always says that when you have traveled a fair distance your soul takes some time to catch up with you. Maybe my soul has not yet arrived here and it will bring with it my motivation.