Ifs and buts

I may have told you in a previous post that in 2014 my best friend died. He was in fact so much more than my friend. He was my safe place, my light house, my family replacement, simply my everything. He supported me to get my degree. My aim to get my degree had always been to be a teacher. I taught German and French and later just German for six years and the year after he died I chucked it all in. Lately I have been thinking a lot about this choice I made in 2015 and I regret it. I was working in a boarding school and it was a lovely place to work. I really loved my colleagues and I even liked teaching games in the afternoon, even though at the time I may have said that I hated it 😉 I used to love the autumn term when we coached hockey and I liked the away games on Saturdays, when the days were drawing in and the autumn air was filled with a slight chill. I am thinking about those days and I have to say I miss them. If my friend hadn’t died I would have never dared to quit teaching. I feel like I let him down. I am longing for a job that will see me through to old age and I keep coming back to teaching. 

And here comes the big BUT. I hated teaching German. My passion has always been English literature, hence my degree choice. My aim had always been to teach English literature, but little did I know at the time about the prejudice I would come up against. I could see that if me, a German person, would apply for a job in a primary school to teach Englsih, that they may say my accent would get in the way. of course you don’t want the kids of a whole village talking with a German accent 😉  I am talking about discussing poetry and sentence structure, or analysing a novel or a piece of writing. Why would my German accent be in the way then? And to be fair I am probably better qualified than the average Englsih teacher because I have an MA in English Literature. I am digressing a bit. If he was still alive I would not have quit teaching! 

Why did I quit my teaching job? Because I was bored with teaching German. I was bored with explaining every lesson that nouns have capital letters. You could say that I could always come back to teaching. That’s correct. BUT I only have experience in teaching Modern languages and secondly I have begun to dislike teenagers a lot. That’s a big draw back. It was different in a boarding school and I wished I had never quit. If only he was still alive, my life would have been so different from what it is now. If only I could have pulled myself together and focused on the positives at the time I would still be at that school and soon be on the hockey pitch again. If only I knew what I am supposed to do next. If only he was here to guide me 💙⭐️

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