Quality of life


As I mentioned before, I had a full hysterectomy in May this year. The operating gynaecologist didn‘t prescribe me any HRT immediately, as he thought I have so much body fat, that my body may produce some by itself. Well, he was proven wrong. In August I had a small procedure done to have an implant fitted in my lower abdomen. I haven‘t noticed any change, intact I felt worse and the wound just would not heal. It was getting very uncomfortable and last week the implant had to be taken out, as my body was rejecting it. I had a chat with him about other options. He explained to me that he is worried, as I am so young, his words not mine ;-), he needs to get the dose right to give me some quality of life. This made me think. HRT can give me some quality of life back. I have to be honest. The mood swings, the crying or the anger outbursts have been getting out of hand. I had turned into a person I didn‘t like myself. In fact I have had very dark thoughts lately. I just wasn‘t understanding what‘s happening with me. I was beginning to think I need anti depressants, as my mood was just not lifting. I was either angry, really red hot angry, or I was crying. On Tuesday night for example. I have just started an evening class in creative writing and it is something I am very passionate about. But on Tuesday night I just sat there. I stared at the floor a lot not to catch the teachers attention. She asked us to read our stories we wrote about a colour of our choice, but I hadn‘t written anything. My mind was blank and has been for a while. I thought I would chose black, but then decided that would lead me down a very sad and somber path, so I just said that I had writers block. Although we know that there is no such thing as writers block 😉 

Anyway the gynaecologist decided to put me on tablets and double the dose and then he said again that it would give me my quality of life back, and I thought: If only 😉 What gives your life quality? Is it the food we eat? The house we live in? Our partners? How we spent our time? A mixture of the above? Or is it indeed a little HRT pill? I have started to take them last Wednesday. So far I haven‘t had any anger fits, but have cried a lot, but that may have something to do with the fact that my boss told me two weeks ago to start looking for another job…but let‘s not go down that path. Let‘s hope that these little pills can bring back some of the Britta I know and seem to have lost since the operation in May. 

Book Review: Sweet Forgiveness by Lori Nelson Spielman

I love this book. Lori Nelson Spielman‘s books are very popular in Germany. her third book was never sold in the USA but directly translated into German. I read this book twice now.

I love books that touch a nerve. This book is all about forgiveness. Hannah is a successful TV personality and her boyfriend is the local major. She gets the forgiveness stones from an old school friend. The forgiveness stones are brought to life by an old school friend of Hannah‘s who is asking her forgiveness. Each person gets send two stones. One is to be send back to the person that is asking for forgiveness and the other is to be send to a person that you have to ask for forgiveness. It‘s like a circle.

The book asks questions such as: Is it helpful to dig around in the past? Is it always necessary to ask for forgiveness if the other person doesn‘t know they have been wronged? Is it always helpful to clear our conscious if it means hurting someone else? Is it sometimes better to let sleeping dogs lie? The book touches on all of these and more. I can highly recommend this book. It has a strong female theme, sorry guys. This book is not as spiritual as maybe Paulo Cohelo‘s books are, but close to life.

Wiped

This is how I felt today 😉 It’s not dead by the way. I saw this alpaca on my walk today. It sat up to start with but although I tried to beckon it over to me with grass, it just put its head down and went to sleep.

I have been brought to a stand still for the second time now within two weeks by sickness. I mean non stop vomiting. Usually when I have a stomach bug there is like a foul taste in my mouth, but twice now I just woke up in the morning and the only thing stopping me from throwing up was lying still. So I spend yesterday and this morning in bed not moving and sleeping, just sleeping like I haven’t slept before. 

I had an episode of vomiting about three years ago. In that case it was decided that it was caused by stress and worry and I believe that is the case this time as well. I am having quite a stressful time at the moment. On the bright side this is soon going to be resolved hopefully, but my body is reacting quite strongly at the moment. I was meant to be on holiday as well, but a day and a half in bed is also quite restful I guess.

My rock

For my dad. Miss you.

You were my silent rock

Solid, tall and strong.

But now you are not there.

And everything seems wrong.
A rock that weathers storms.

When waves come crashing down.

Withstanding all the forces.

Without the slightest frown.
You were my great protector.

Just by being there.

Not many words were needed.

Now silence I can’t bare.
Rocks meant to last for ages.

Your time here went so fast.

I needed your protection.

But it did not last.
A rock has no emotions.

Yet it can mean a lot.

To know you’re always there.

And now you are not.
A rock does not pass judgement.

Is simply rooted in the ground.

And underneath external coldness.

A deep love can be found.
The gap that you have left.

Can not be closed or filled.

I hope you rest in peace now.

And all the storms have stilled.
Life gave you quite battle.

But you fought hard and well.

You’re a part of me forever

And in my heart you dwell.

Picture and word by B.E. Potter © 2017

Lighthouse

For Tony. You’re in my heard forever x

Lighthouse
You were my mighty lighthouse,

You’re like a helping hand,

For me that was lost at sea 

Leading me back to dry land.
When storms were all around me

And I could not find the way.

You shone brightly through the darkness

Helping me in my dismay.
You’re presence meant my safety

Be it morning, noon or night

I trusted you completely 

Were you where there was light.
But now there’s only darkness.

You’re brightness has gone out

Nobody can replace you

Silence can scream so loud.
You are a part of me forever

In my heart you’ll always be

You were my mighty lighthouse

And now there’s only me.

Picture and poem by B.E. Potter © 2017

Beach huts

I love beach huts. I like their individuality. They come in all sorts of different colours and they look totally different on the inside depending on the owner. I live on Portland and the pictures above are taken at Portland Bill. I love being there especially on a windy rainy day, when there are not many people around. I have told you before about my longing for silence. I don’t mind noise that comes from nature, as in the crashing of the waves against the rocky shore, or the cry of the seagul. I often wonder what it would be like to spend a fortnight in a beach hut in a remote place. I am longing for being alone and silence and keep wondering if I would be able to find myself if I get a break from ‘real life’. I keep thinking that in a place like that I would have time to explore so many ideas for stories and photography projects. i wouldn’t need wifi, but I would need my laptop to write and of course I would take books. Oh this sounds like pure bliss. Maybe one day I will be able to take a complete break and go and explore the silence I am so missing in my life 😉

Book Review-Not Working by Lisa Owens


Claire quit her steady office job in order to find herself and a job that’s more meaningful. She lives together with her boyfriend Luke, who is a trainee brain surgeon and supports her fully in her ‘finding herself’ phase.

This in a nutshell is the story of the book. There are of course many more issues that come with not having a job. Claire’s mum who refuses to talk to her and her friends, who all seem to have their lives figured out.

Claire’s dad says one sentence that stuck with me. He says, with regards to finding a job: There’s a whole world between any old thing and the thing. This can be applied to anything in life really. I feel connected with the Amin character, as I also am deeply unsatisfied in my job, and feel there is something else I could be doing. Unlike Claire I don’t have the guts to quit. 

The book is fast paced and funny at times and very close to real life. I am sure any people can identify with Claire to some extend or other. I wouldn’t classify this book as chick lit. I would recommend this book to anybody who is trying to find themselves in this fast world.