My posts aren’t getting any happier…but here it goes. A few weeks ago I posted a blog about how my mum and my sister have hurt me and that left me feeling totally rejected and kind of alone. I didn’t hear anything from them over the Christmas holidays, so today I decided to ring my grandmother to see how she is doing. There was no answer. I didn’t want to ring my mum so I decided to ring my aunt. My aunt is my mum’s sister and they have not spoken in years, as my mum did a really shitty thing to her.

I used to get on well with my aunt, but this always caused trouble between my mum and me, so it was easier, in a way, to just stay speak to my  mum. How wrong was I right? I learned my lesson belief me! Anyway so I found her number and rang her. She picked up the phone and I said: ‘Hi. it’s me Britta. I tried to ring nan but she didn’t pick up and I was wondering if she is alright?’ My aunt replied by telling me that my nan is in hospital again and why am I ringing her and not my ‘beloved’ mother? (She was being ironic). So I told her that I am not speaking to my mum or sister and before I could finish my sentence she was throwing a barrage of abuse at me and then put the phone down. She didn’t let me explain, or answer any of her questions or apologise for the accusations she made.

I put the phone down and cried. Ok, I made a mistake, I chose the wrong side in this game called ‘dysfunctional families’, but for her to not even let me apologise, hit me hard. I feel so low lately anyway. But now I feel low and alone. I guess I managed without family support for a long time anyway. Living so far away I never really needed their advice or support, but as live has got very difficult and I am struggling a lot lately I turned to family. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do? Why would I expect my mother to be there for me for once, or my sister give me a roof over my head for 48hrs, or my aunt to give me some info on my ill grandmother? I miss my dad. He was always there for me. He never said a lot but he was 100% reliable and dependable.

I am not strong at the moment. The lack of a ‘real’ job has left me feeling quite worthless. I know coach driving can be seen by some people as a proper job, but I am finding it difficult to adjust back to a world I thought I had left behind years ago. It’s difficult to describe without sounding like a snob. That’s beside the point anyway at the moment. I am feeling lost and without aim or purpose at the moment and am lacking strength and motivation. Have any of you ever been at this point in your lives? How did you get out of it? What motivated you to keep on going?

Sucker for punishment

I wrote a piece about the difficult situation between my mum, sister and I, but I it seems that I am a sucker for punishment and have not learned from my mistakes. As I may have mentioned before, due to the lack of decent jobs around in the UK I went back to coach driving until something more suitable will turn up. Anyway, I was given the opportunity to go on a trip to visit Cologne Christmas market. It was a four day trip, two of which were spend travelling. As my grandmother had been in hospital again recently I thought it would be a great way of going to see her, even it was was just for two days. My company was fine with me going to see my family as long as I was back on time on Tuesday morning. My plan was to get to Cologne and once the group had been dropped off at their hotel to take the train back home and stay there for 48 hrs. basically.

I send my mum a WhatsApp message on a Wednesday for a Saturday arrival, and she replied that she would be away on a short holiday until Tuesday morning. So I contacted my sister and asked if I could stay with her, but she also said that they had plans for Saturday night. So I asked her to leave a key somewhere so I could get in the house. On Sunday was meant to be a family dinner for my grandmother, so everybody would be there, and I really was looking forward to that. It was meant to be a surprise for my nan. Anyway on Wednesday evening I get a message from my sister telling me that she does not feel comfortable to have my in the house alone for one night, a few hours. I was gutted. This was our home once upon a time and she got that house after my dad died for a very low price and I gave her six years to pay me back interest free. I was fuming 😤.

I then decided to go and stay with my best friend and to see my godson, but that meant I would not be able to see my grandmother, as my friend lived further away from the pace I used to call home. On Saturday night I sat on the train and saw that my brother in law posted something on Facebook, which kind of indicated that my mum was not on holiday at all. So I send her a message and asked and she said that they did not go on holiday. So I asked her why she didn’t tell me and why I could not come to stay with them, when she was at home after all. My mum lives in her partners house, by the way. She did not reply at all, which left me very hurt and confused. I kept thinking that it must be my fault. That I am a burden to a her in the house or something.

I decided to block them on Facebook and WhatsApp and told her that we are such a shit family and that I can make it on my own, as I always have done. After the last time I am all out of strength to keep going back there but getting hurt again and again. It has happened so many times that I am now at the point were I can’t do this anymore. I know it is a Christmas and all and we are meant to forgive, but come on, both of them refused me a place to stay for 48 hours, so I could see my Nan. I think that is pretty shitty and hurtful. Having not had a proper job leaves me low in any case and I am feeling quite alone and at some points worthless, but this has given me a real kick to the stomach.

I did however have a wonderful time with my friend and my godson and enjoyed being part of their family.

Book Review: By Grand Central Station I Sat Down And Wept by Elizabeth Smart

This novel is written in prose poetry. The book was first published in 1945, but it was very controversial at that time as it describes the protagonists relationship with a married man. The whole book is about a love triangle and the emotional difficulties of the protagonist. The pain she feels on one hand whenever he isn’t with her but on the other hand wants him to show emotions to his wife as she feels sorry for her, those emotions are captured really well. Apparently the book is loosely based on Elizabeth Smart’s love affair with the poet George Baker who was also married.

I bought this book as it is considered a classic and a must read for anybody that is interested in Literature. I have to say that, although I really like poetry, especially the old Romantics, I found this book very difficult to follow and often had to read a page twice to get the meaning and who she was actually talking about. It is a challenging read. The language she uses is beautiful and the words are chosen with great care, but as I said it isn’t an easy read and not for everybody.