Sucker for punishment

I wrote a piece about the difficult situation between my mum, sister and I, but I it seems that I am a sucker for punishment and have not learned from my mistakes. As I may have mentioned before, due to the lack of decent jobs around in the UK I went back to coach driving until something more suitable will turn up. Anyway, I was given the opportunity to go on a trip to visit Cologne Christmas market. It was a four day trip, two of which were spend travelling. As my grandmother had been in hospital again recently I thought it would be a great way of going to see her, even it was was just for two days. My company was fine with me going to see my family as long as I was back on time on Tuesday morning. My plan was to get to Cologne and once the group had been dropped off at their hotel to take the train back home and stay there for 48 hrs. basically.

I send my mum a WhatsApp message on a Wednesday for a Saturday arrival, and she replied that she would be away on a short holiday until Tuesday morning. So I contacted my sister and asked if I could stay with her, but she also said that they had plans for Saturday night. So I asked her to leave a key somewhere so I could get in the house. On Sunday was meant to be a family dinner for my grandmother, so everybody would be there, and I really was looking forward to that. It was meant to be a surprise for my nan. Anyway on Wednesday evening I get a message from my sister telling me that she does not feel comfortable to have my in the house alone for one night, a few hours. I was gutted. This was our home once upon a time and she got that house after my dad died for a very low price and I gave her six years to pay me back interest free. I was fuming 😤.

I then decided to go and stay with my best friend and to see my godson, but that meant I would not be able to see my grandmother, as my friend lived further away from the pace I used to call home. On Saturday night I sat on the train and saw that my brother in law posted something on Facebook, which kind of indicated that my mum was not on holiday at all. So I send her a message and asked and she said that they did not go on holiday. So I asked her why she didn’t tell me and why I could not come to stay with them, when she was at home after all. My mum lives in her partners house, by the way. She did not reply at all, which left me very hurt and confused. I kept thinking that it must be my fault. That I am a burden to a her in the house or something.

I decided to block them on Facebook and WhatsApp and told her that we are such a shit family and that I can make it on my own, as I always have done. After the last time I am all out of strength to keep going back there but getting hurt again and again. It has happened so many times that I am now at the point were I can’t do this anymore. I know it is a Christmas and all and we are meant to forgive, but come on, both of them refused me a place to stay for 48 hours, so I could see my Nan. I think that is pretty shitty and hurtful. Having not had a proper job leaves me low in any case and I am feeling quite alone and at some points worthless, but this has given me a real kick to the stomach.

I did however have a wonderful time with my friend and my godson and enjoyed being part of their family.

2 thoughts on “Sucker for punishment

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