My posts aren’t getting any happier…but here it goes. A few weeks ago I posted a blog about how my mum and my sister have hurt me and that left me feeling totally rejected and kind of alone. I didn’t hear anything from them over the Christmas holidays, so today I decided to ring my grandmother to see how she is doing. There was no answer. I didn’t want to ring my mum so I decided to ring my aunt. My aunt is my mum’s sister and they have not spoken in years, as my mum did a really shitty thing to her.
I used to get on well with my aunt, but this always caused trouble between my mum and me, so it was easier, in a way, to just stay speak to my mum. How wrong was I right? I learned my lesson belief me! Anyway so I found her number and rang her. She picked up the phone and I said: ‘Hi. it’s me Britta. I tried to ring nan but she didn’t pick up and I was wondering if she is alright?’ My aunt replied by telling me that my nan is in hospital again and why am I ringing her and not my ‘beloved’ mother? (She was being ironic). So I told her that I am not speaking to my mum or sister and before I could finish my sentence she was throwing a barrage of abuse at me and then put the phone down. She didn’t let me explain, or answer any of her questions or apologise for the accusations she made.
I put the phone down and cried. Ok, I made a mistake, I chose the wrong side in this game called ‘dysfunctional families’, but for her to not even let me apologise, hit me hard. I feel so low lately anyway. But now I feel low and alone. I guess I managed without family support for a long time anyway. Living so far away I never really needed their advice or support, but as live has got very difficult and I am struggling a lot lately I turned to family. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do? Why would I expect my mother to be there for me for once, or my sister give me a roof over my head for 48hrs, or my aunt to give me some info on my ill grandmother? I miss my dad. He was always there for me. He never said a lot but he was 100% reliable and dependable.
I am not strong at the moment. The lack of a ‘real’ job has left me feeling quite worthless. I know coach driving can be seen by some people as a proper job, but I am finding it difficult to adjust back to a world I thought I had left behind years ago. It’s difficult to describe without sounding like a snob. That’s beside the point anyway at the moment. I am feeling lost and without aim or purpose at the moment and am lacking strength and motivation. Have any of you ever been at this point in your lives? How did you get out of it? What motivated you to keep on going?