What I wouldn’t give to hear your voice one more time,
to have you sit across the table from me, eating a delicious meal.
What I wouldn’t give to feel your warm embrace,
to hear you tell me it will all be ok.
What I wouldn’t give for your advice right now,
the advice I dismissed countless times before.
What I wouldn’t give to look into your eyes,
that made me feel welcome and loved.
I would give anything.
I am done running after people that don’t really care about me.
I am done running after people that drown in self pity instead of seeing what’s right in front of them.
I am done opening up to people that just kick you with both feet.
I am done laughing about stupid jokes.
I am done trying to fit in.
I am done caring for people that only care about themselves.
I am done pretending to be stupid to make people feel more intelligent.
I am done indulging your ego.
I am done feeling hurt.
I am done with putting the needs of others before my own.
I am done doing what others expect of me.
I am done.
Lately I have been thinking a lot. About what is really important in life and how quickly time passes. Life is so short and we should really try and make our limited time on earth worth while, or at least enjoy it. We far to often trap ourselves in situations or circumstances that make us unhappy but then feel some sort of obligation to carry on that way.
When my dad died he wore his watch right until the very second he took his final breath. I kept it and wore it for a while but it kept stopping. I had it repaired several times, but in the end the watchmaker advised me not to bother as it was gone beyond repair. It made me sad. At least with that watch I had a daily reminder of my dad and how precious every minute is.
A few weeks ago the last bit of my inheritance came through and I decided to buy myself a new watch. I didn’t just want a random one, I wanted a special watch. So I started my research and came across this Austrian company called ‘Holzkern’. I like the mixture of wood and stone. My dad loved the forest, so I thought this is an ideal watch (see picture above). Plus when you buy a watch new trees get planted.
There were several to chose from and in the end I narrowed it down to three, and finally bought the one above. The reason I chose that one is, that the dial is made from Malachite. Malachite is a precious stone and one of its properties is to teach to love oneself first. I thought that very fitting, as I am struggling a lot with that.
I met a friend for coffee this week and she told me about ‘self-care’. It is so important to look after oneself. I am not talking about needs like food, or washing. I mean the self care on the inside. To give all your emotions room. She advised me to start writing a self care journal. Once a day for about 15 minutes and write everything down, unfiltered. Stuff that really annoyed you or made you happy, or scared you. Just for yourself. Let those emotions out. Uncensored, just for you. I have started it this week. Although I have been keeping a journal. I always wrote it a bit like a novel, as though someone else will one day find it. This journal will be different. It will contain the bits I don’t want anybody else to read. It will help me vent. It’s going to be one small step towards caring for my inner self and making my time more enjoyable.