Soul searching

When I moved to England in the year 2000, I was a believing Christian through and through. I spent my days searching for meaning and deeply thinking about all sorts of things…maybe even a little too much. My host dad (god rest his soul) absolutely disliked that about me. He was a practical sort of guy and he really did not like to talk about the deeper meaning of things. So I tried to change that habit. I think I did that quite successfully.

After a year into my stay in the UK my host mum died in a car crash and this changed my believes completely. I don’t want to go into any details. I just had a few encounters with some very righteous people, which made me turn my back on my Christianity.

Just before the summer holidays this year I got confirmation from the education authorities in our area in Germany that I am allowed to teach R.E (religious education). This news made me very happy 😊 Today was my first full day of teaching R.E and I noticed my lack of ability in thinking deeper.

Talking to the other R.E teachers made me realise that I do need to start thinking at a deeper level again. I fear that I have become very shallow and superficial over the years. I don’t mean heartless or bitchy, or focused on material things, but rather on a ecclesiastical level. On the drive home from school I realised that over the years my thinking had become very black and white and that I need to start thinking more in colour 😊

When I arrived home I felt more energetic and happy than I have in months. I almost feel that with teaching R.E I have found my vocation. Don’t get me wrong. I love teaching English too, but with it being a main subject, one is more restricted by the rules.

I was very anxious at the beginning of the week, about the coming school year and what it might bring, but today made me realise that it will all be great and that I have many things to be grateful for and that I am in fact very lucky to be given the opportunity to teach R.E.

I feel in a way that this inability to feel and think at a deeper level has prevented me from creative writing. I feel that this lack has stopped me from doing my best during my MA in Creative Writing. I think that it would have really benefited my creativity. For my final dissertation I went with the funny, Bill Brison style novel, as it felt the best option. I stuck as close to reality as I could and tried to add some humour. The humour almost helped me to cover up my real emotions and maybe that’s why I am finding it hard now to finish my novel: A different shade of green, because I am unable to continue the humorous tone.

What I have learned this week is to be grateful and to start seeing things from a different point of view. I have learned to take my time, during lessons and give my pupils the room to breath as well. I will continue on this soul searching journey which will hopefully lead to a better version of myself.

Stay healthy and happy 😊 you‘ll hear from me soon

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